I am beginning to believe that I have done nothing in my entire life for myself. I am disgusted by this fact. I know that this is an exaggeration, but I am referring to my life post high school.
My father asked me an interesting question two years ago. He asked me who I was going to school for. Not what, but who. It took me by surprise. I needed a couple of months to even answer the question. When I first went to college, I’m sure that it was my mother. She wanted me to get an education and either work or go to school. I regret to inform that since work was scarce, I chose school.
When I went to my second college, I went back for myself but because I felt once again that I had to supplement one situation for another. If you ask me now, I am aware that I was just unhappy at home. So, I needed a change of pace. I went back to school and was put out again.
I went back to school after realizing that I had been putting a large chunk of my existence into someone who wasn’t investing in me. I decided to take my debt by the horns and make it worth it. If I had to kill millions upon millions of trees to pay back the government for ONE piece of paper, I should at least want that piece of paper.
Now that I am in a master’s program, I am once again asking myself, what am I doing for myself? Because, in all honesty, I love helping others, but introspectively, I have this unnerving feeling that I am heading toward nothing. I have the nightmare that I am trying to make a career out of something that I believe that I am good at, but that I can also fail monumentally. I am scared because today’s society is not forgiving. And, it has not been for most of my life.
If I don’t know what I am doing for me, then, can I at least know why I am doing what I do?